Sandpaper Handjob: Blue Jackets salvage point in loss to Calgary


Sandpaper Handjob: Kwame Kilpatrick's life coaches

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Picture of the Day


Cindy Stankoski is a poor man's Rosario Dawson. Vanessa Stout is a chubby little bar fly. We'd fuck 'em both, but they're now out of our league after settling up with the State of Ohio for $200,000 each.


22-20-5 (49) Thank your Jebus for the break. Next up: Dee-troit, Tuesday, 7pm

22-20-5 (49)

Thank your Jebus for the break.

Next up: Dee-troit, Tuesday, 7pm

Blue Jackets salvage point in loss to Calgary

Thursday, January 22, 2009 12:54 AM

No time for foreplay, bitches. The host Calgary Flames smell blood, and we're not gonna let our studies or high BAC's stop us from giving you the blow-by-blow. Here we go:

10:12 RJ Umberger puts the Jackets up 1-0, quieting a blood-thirsty crowd while matching his goal production with the Flyers last year (14).

10:14 For those of you who missed the always awesome chat thing in the Dispatch, Kristian Huselius suffered a lacerated wrist after getting sliced with a skate blade last night. Fucked up, eh? He got stitched up and came back like a man, but will be getting an early start to the All-Star break after some swelling occurred overnight.

Hockey players are something else. Just stitch me up doc, I'm fine.

Michael Peca is a late scratch.

10:20 Dion Phaneuf takes a cheap shot on Umberger that gets him thrown out of the game. Jackets defensemen Marc Methot takes up for Umberger, something which you may not have seen a year ago.

10:25 Phaneuf is thrown out. Five for boarding, five for fighting. Methot, five for fighting. What's that give us? A rare 3-3 for we don't know how long.

10:27 Long enough for Jerome Iginla to tie the score.

10:28 Umberger recovers nicely from getting his face planted into the glass, scoring his second goal of the night. Iginla, despite not being called for an offsides, gets a breakaway. An obviously tired Steve Mason shuts him out.

Early on, tonight's game makes Sunday's shootout in Vancouver look boring.

10:37 Todd Bertuzi is on the ice. He's a nigger in the modern sense of the word.

10:44 Andre Roy punches Ole-Kristian Tollefsen and goes to the penalty box, then makes arrangements with Tollefsen to fight later. He did one of those two fingers to his eyes, point at you, see you later things. We don't know how else to write or describe it.

10:45 Good news: Robyn Regehr gets called for tripping, giving Columbus a five-on-three. Bad news: Columbus hasn't scored a five-on-three goal all year. The Jackets, after all, have the worst power play in hockey.

10:49 The five-on-three, and the first period, come to an end. The opening twenty minutes looked a fuck of a lot like playoff hockey. With a mid-season contest matching coaches who've raised Lord Stanley's Cup once each (Hitchcock, Keenan) what else would you expect?

10:51 Jackets 2, Flamers 1, First Intermission.

Last night, we looked for an Edmonton stripper. Tonight we have a fine, low-milage Calgary model:

11:06 Jared Boll makes a nice pass to Jason Williams, but the shot is...something. Blame it on the Foster's, although other people in the room can blame it on the white, which the guy typing thinks is a complete waste of time.

11:10 Things have settled down quite a bit after what's politely described as a chippy first session. Calgary's going on the power play.

11:18 Another thing that makes hockey cool is the fact that nobody shakes hands after the game, just like baseball. Baseball, better known as stupidball, still sucks.

11:20 Blue Jackets color man Danny Gare wonders why the NHL doesn't require uniformity when it comes to the height of the walls players have to climb over. We think it's because the NHL is run by a bunch of cuntfaced shitheads.

11:23 Derek Dorsett is cross-checked by Robyn Regehr. He leaves the game to get some stitches. The penalty is called as a roughing double-minor. Horseshit, but will Columbus take advantage?

11:28 They don't call it the worse power play in the league for nothin'.

11:37 We've cancelled with the escort service. It looks like this shit won't end until after one.

11:38 The Flamers get another power play. We predict a goal.

11:38 Before we finish typing, Mike Cammalleri ties it up at two.

11:39 Holy fucking shit. Jake "My media-given nickname is unoriginal" Voracek gives Columbus the lead ten seconds after the Flames tie it up. Columbus, 3-2.


A typical Calgary whore, complete with a shitty attempt to conceal identity via Photoshop.

11:41 David Moss scores for the Flames. Sandpaper Handjob wonders if this will end badly for Columbus. Jackets 3, Flames 3.

11:44 Go get a beer, smack your wife/faggoty husband, and catch your breath. Columbus 3, Calgary 3, Second Intermission.

Is Jim Day queer, Canadian, or something else?

11:52 Dion Phaneuf is featured during the second intermission. He's giving us a tour of Prince Edward Island. Phaneuf is probably raping an underage Vietnamese prostitute as we speak, since he was thrown out of the game in the first period. You remember that cheap shot on Umberger, eh?

12:05 Nash scores short-handed. Columbus, 4-3.

12:10 Calgary gets another power play, and it appears our stolen copy of Dreamweaver is on the fritz. You get what you pay for, right?

12:17 Less than ten minutes left, and it feels a lot like last night in Edmonton: Holding on for dear life. Put another way, overtime. Three of six points on the Western Canada swing is acceptable, but four of six would be a better way to start the break.

We suppose that's a lot like saying the team that scores the most points will win. We apologize.

12:21 Umberger is denied a hat-trick on a breakaway attempt. After another shitty clearing attempt by Columbus, Cammalleri scores his second goal of the night to tie the game at four.

12:23 Mike Commodore is going to the box for hooking.

12:25 Can the Jackets clear the fucking puck? No, but they kill the penalty.

12:28 Just like last night, holding on...

12:29 Finally, a whistle to stop play and allow Columbus to catch its collective breath. With 2:05 left, the game is going to end just like it started, with Mike Keenan and the Calgary Flames smelling blood in the tank. The crowd in the Saddledome smells it, too. Do the Jackets have enough left in the tank to make it to OT?

12:33 Yes, but barely. We're not sure who the lucky team is. Calgary played behind all night, but Columbus is bruised and tired.

12:35 The Sandpaper Handjob crew is down to two. Everyone else is passed out, fucking, or heading to the bar. Those of us left are hungover.

12:37 Nash is denied on a breakaway.

12:39 Columbus defensemen Kris Russell has busted his ass tonight. He's our third star of the game.

12:40 Time for a shootout.

12:43 Calgary's off-ice officials are sloooooow. Who's gonna shoot, assholes?

12:47 Todd Bertuzi wins the shootout for the Calgary Flames. Columbus finishes the Western Canada swing 1-1-1.

Sandpaper Handjob:
Kwame Kilpatrick's life coaches

Picture of the Day

22-20-5 (49)

Short Fiction

Dear Jorgé

Drunk in the Booth

The Truth

Sponsored by:

Music

Blue Jackets salvage point in loss to Calgary

Thursday, January 22, 2009 12:54 AM

Tool

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Sandpaper Handjob: Kwame Kilpatrick's life coaches

Picture of the Day

22-20-5 (49)

Short Fiction

Dear Jorgé

Drunk in the Booth

The Truth

Sponsored by:

Music

Blue Jackets salvage point in loss to Calgary

Thursday, January 22, 2009 12:54 AM

Tool

Sandpaper Handjob:
Kwame Kilpatrick's life coaches