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Picture of the Day
The Honor System People in Columbus steal umbrellas and question marks whenever given the chance. |
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22-20-4 (48)Columbus blows a chance to take over the final playoff spot. Next up: at Calgary, Wednesday, 10pm |
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333
Jackets suffer heartbreaking loss in Edmonton
Tuesday, January 20, 2009 11:30PM
The Columbus Blue Jackets are in Edmonton, where the horses have sore assholes and little girls learn the way from their fathers, and sometimes their mothers, too.
Alberta is a cold place, but as they get ready to drop the puck it's actually twenty degrees warmer in Columbus, and we don't mean Celsius, eh? Here's a blow-by-blow:
9:13pm The Oil gets the first power play, and just like that, Lubomir Visnovsky scores to put Edmonton up 1-0.
9:17 The Jackets will want to pull their heads out of their assholes if they want to avoid a repeat of their last meeting with the Oil, a 7-2 blowout that told us Pascal Leclaire's ankle was really fucked. Yesterday, Columbus got around to telling us that Leclaire is out for the rest of the year. Really? Picking up Wade Dubielewicz off of waivers on Saturday confirmed that for the retarded and non-retarded alike, but we thank the CBJ PR people for the heads up.
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| Precious, one of the many Edmonton strippers who wish lap dances were as popular as horsefucking. |
9:25 Dwayne Roloson looks pretty good so far, stopping Columbus on two decent scoring chances. He also bears a startling resemblance to Doug Flutie.
9:33 Columbus goes on the power play. Jason Williams, brought in to quarterback the unit, scored his first goal as a Jacket Sunday in Vancouver, and also scored in the overtime shootout. He thankfully did not give all glory to God when talking with the media after the game.
9:36 Edmonton kills the penalty, the Columbus power play is starting to look better. Imagine, actually moving the puck on the man advantage. WOW! Now if they could get some shots to the fucking net...
9:41 Oilers 1, Jackets 0, First Intermission
One of the things you might like about hockey is the fact that Canadians don't really give a shit about The Magic Negro moving into the oval office today. Black folks in Canada are far and few between. The top five occupations for people of color in Canada:
#5-Factory Worker
#4-Lawyer
#3-Drug Dealer (Canadians also enjoy cocaine)
#2-Snowplow Driver
#1-Canadian Football League quarterback
10:00 Jared Boll scores a goal for the second straight game, tying the score at one. It wasn't pretty, but your mom's no prize pig, either.
By our count, Boll has point in five of the last six games. Excuse us while we go tap the thermostat.
10:04 Steve Mason makes another save, but the All-Star break can't come soon enough. The kid's played 13 or 14 in a row now, and none of us work more than three days in a row.
We wondered what hookers in Edmonton wear to work. Guess what? They dress like hookers on television.
10:12 Columbus defenseman and all-around good guy Mike Commodore grew up in the Edmonton area, making Commodore the smartest guy from Edmonton we've ever met.
10:14 Ales Hemsky burns the Jackets to give the Oilers the lead, but Marc Methot ties it right back up.
A Tim Horton's commercial reminds us that they have the shittiest fucking doughnuts this side of Jolly Pirate. Thank Christ that Dunkin' Donuts, after losing serious market share in Columbus the last twenty years, is ready make its presence felt once again. Mmmmm, chocolate cream doughnuts with chocolate cream inside, not that vanilla bullshit.
10:22 Blue Jackets general manager Scott Howson looks like a genius after Jason Williams fires a wrister over Roloson's shoulder. Steve MacIntyre wants to fight Boll. Maybe later.
10:30 Jackets 3, Oilers 2, Second Intermission. Time for some amputee porn, like when broads screw one another with their stumps. Maybe we'll find some something with that worthless, gold-digging English whore Heather Mills.
10:40 No stumps, but this is just as bizarre. There is truly something for everyone on Al Gore's Information Superhighway.
10:58 Manny Malholtra has the first good scoring chance of the third, but fires over the crossbar after taking a nice pass from Rick Nash.
11:05 Rexall Place, the stupidly named arena the Oilers call home, is a bit quiet at the moment.
11:06 It's not quiet anymore. After a few frantic moments in front of the night, Boll is pushed into the net, angering Roloson. Roloson hits Boll with his blocker, while Steve Staios, who pushed Boll in the first place, takes his own cheap shots. Staios and Boll(!) each go to the penalty box. Columbus gets fucked at least once a night by the officials and/or the War Room Nazis.
11:17Christian Backman, a favorite whipping boy of Columbus fanbase, goes to the box for hooking. It's questionable. As the Oilers struggle to set up shop in the Columbus zone, the Rexall Place crowd starts to get restless. No worries. Edmonton ties it up as the penalty expires. thanks to Denis Grebeshkov. He's either a commie or a frog.
11:19 Columbus is hanging on for dear life. With a minute left, they're simply playing for overtime.
11:20 They don't make it. Hemsky scores the game winner after Columbus fails to clear the zone. Hemsky is a fucking beast, yo. Oilers 4, Jackets 3.
11:23 Back in Columbus, wives and family pets run for cover as drunken Central Ohioans look for something kick or throw against a wall. It doesn't get any easier for Columbus. They have to drive down the road to Calgary for final game of their current three-game road trip.
