Sandpaper Handjob: College Football Picks, Week 1

Sandpaper Handjob: Because Jebus loves you

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DickRod isn't having much fun this year. After a 46-17 beatdown at the hands of Penn State, the school's first losing season since 1967 looks like a given. Hopefully Mrs. DickRod is more loyal to DickRock than DickRod was to Morgantown.

It's a sure thing

August 25, 2008

It's finally here. After months of pretending to give a shit about baseball or spending time with the family, college football is back. Every team is undefeated, and every team has a shot at a coveted National Championship. Well, at least conference members the Walt Disney Nazis have deemed worthy of participating. Sorry, UTEP.

It's time for Beano Cook to talk about why Notre Dame is worthy of licking the asshole of Christ, time for redneck Alabama fans to call Mark May a nigger because he knows the Crimson Tide sucks. Starting tonight, Ohio State fans can start beating their children if they don't know the middle name of each starter. Fans of the Miami Hurricanes can start looking for large black friends to escort them to home games safely, and yes, it's time for you to beat your wife and ignore your children until at least Thanksgiving.

College football is back, motherfucker. We've worn the cover off this year's Phil Steele Bible (the only bible that matters) and should be considered the source for your need-to-know gambling information.

Gambling? Absolutely. It may be Junior's college fund, but you put the money there in the first place. Why not have a little fun with it? Play your cards right this season and you can buy Little Suzie that Play Kitchen every little lady should receive for Christmas while not busting your bar and stripper budget.

Here are this week's ten can't-miss games. You should bet at least one hundred bucks a game while keeping in mind that the more money you wager, the more exciting the game is! Buy a gram of coke for a more thrilling wagering experience!

1. UTEP at Buffalo (-3.5)
Tonight, 7 PM
Buffalo returns eight starters on defense, but what the fuck good is that when last year's squad gave up 27 points a game? UTEP, 38-28

2. NC State at South Carolina (-14.5)
Tonight, 8 PM ESPN
Irish fuck Tom O'Brien and the Wolf Pack hop on the bus to Columbia to face Spurrier and the 'Cocks. South Carolina should be much improved on defense, making things difficult on an NC State team that had trouble scoring last season. South Carolina, 20-14

3. Temple (-7) at Army
Friday, 7 PM ESPN Classic
Last year, we called for the Owls to win five games, about four more wins than anyone else expected. If not for Helen Keller working the replay booth during the UConn game last year, we would have been correct. As for Army, well, it's Army. Temple, 42-16

4. Syracuse at Northwestern (-11.5)
Saturday, 12 PM ESPN2
This just in: Syracuse is really, really, REALLY bad. Greg Robinson will be applying for food stamps by Halloween. Northwestern, 28-27

5. Utah at Michigan (-3.5)
Saturday, 3:30 PM ABC Regional
The DickRod era gets underway after an offseason of controversey in Ann Arbor. These two teams last met in 2002, with Michigan winning a 10-7 snoozer. With Michigan returning only three starters on offense, expect another boring meeting. If Michigan can't take care of the football, the Wolverines drop the opener for the second year in a row. Michigan, 17-14

6. USC (-19.5) at Virginia
Saturday, 3:30 PM ABC Regional
The biggest question: Will USC bring that little faggoty frat boy who rides around on the horse? As for Virginia, 2008 will find the Cavaliers filling in for Duke as the doormat of the ACC. USC, 52-6

7. Michigan State at California (-4.5)
Saturday, 8 PM ABC Regional
The Big Ten's first opprotunity for prime time embarrassment comes in the form of the Cal Bears, who always try to fool people into thinking they're worth a shit, only to piss all over themselves. After losing six of seven following a 5-0 start and number two ranking, we won't be drinking the Kool-Aid. Besides, we ain't be havin' no sugar. If Sparty pulls it out (something we should have done a couple of years ago), Mark Dantonio's squad could be 7-0 when former boss Cheatypants McSweatervest brings the Buckeyes to East Lansing October 18th. Michigan State, 35-31


Nick Saban, Head Horsefucker

8. Alabama at Clemson (-4.5) at the Georgia Dome
Saturday, 8:00 PM ABC Regional
How the ACC allows Clemson to come fuck around in Georgia Tech's recruiting territory is beyond us. The ACC is desperate for a marquee win, especially since this is supposed to be Clemson's year. Atlanta tourism officials have assembled a group of volunteers to pass out free condoms and astroglide to visiting Crimson Tide fans. This might be the game of the day. 'Bama, 31-29

9.Illinois at Missouri (-9.5) in some fucking dome
Saturday, 8:30 PM ESPN
Last year's game was a preview of things to come for both teams. Missouri's two losses to Oklahomo kept the Tigers out of the National Title game, while the Illini capped off their best season since 2001 with a trip to the Rose Bowl. Juice Williams can change the complexion of a game with his legs and, unfortunately, his arm. Mizzou, 27-23

10. Fresno State at Rutgers (-5)
~~Drinking~~ Labor Day, 4 PM ESPN
In 2004, we drank a bottle of bourbon and proclaimed The State College of New Jersey to be the surprise team of the season. Hours later, the Scarlet Knights defeated Michigan State 19-14. Our vision was hailed as Christ-like for almost seven full days, until 1-AA New Hampshire brought Rutgers back to reality. Since then, Greg Schiano has led his team to three straight winning seasons and national respect after decades of mediocrity on the football field. Pat Hill, on the other hand, will take his Fresno State team anywhere and has booked a flight to New Jersey for one of two Labor Day games. Consider it a gift from the liqour gods. Fresno State, 37-24

Sandpaper Handjob: Because Jebus loves you

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August 25, 2008