Sandpaper Handjob: Dear Jorgé: My friend wants me to knock her up


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"Hello. I'm George W. Bush. I used to be the worst President ever, but some asshole from Kenya is going to rob me of my place in history before he's even in office 100 days. Sweet! In your face, Bishop!"

"Hello. I'm George W. Bush. I used to be the worst President ever, but some asshole from Kenya is going to rob me of my place in history before he's even in office 100 days. Sweet!

In your face, Bishop!"


39-28-7 (85) The Columbus Blue Jackets made the Calgary Flamer(s) look like the stupid horsefucking assholes they are in a 5-0 blowout Thursday in Columbus. The Jackets take the season series 2-1-1, which in man talk is 2-2. We will officially declare the Jackets to be a playoff lock, but only as a seventh seed. Next up: St. Louis, Saturday, 8:30pm

39-28-7 (85)

The Columbus Blue Jackets made the Calgary Flamer(s) look like the stupid horsefucking assholes they are in a 5-0 blowout Thursday in Columbus. The Jackets take the season series 2-1-1, which in man talk is 2-2.

We will officially declare the Jackets to be a playoff lock, but only as a seventh seed.

Next up: St. Louis, Saturday, 8:30pm

Dear Jorgé: My friend wants me to knock her up

Friday, March 27, 2009 11:24 PM

Dear Jorgé:I'm a drunk bastard. I drunk dial all the time, and this time it's gonna bite me in the ass.

I called my friend earlier this week, and now she's driving four hours to spend the weekend with me. She's mentioned that she would like me to father her a child, and I'm not interested in that. I can't even take care of the frogs in my aquarium; one of them died because I don't keep their living area clean. This is because I'm more concerned with which bartenders I'm feuding with and playing my dad's Wii Bowling.

Anyway, I'm hoping that being sober this weekend will keep me from having sex with her. This despite the fact that I purchased a bottle of Sweet Tea Smirnoff at the Europia State Liqour Agency. Oh, and I guess she doesn't care if I know about the kid or not. What do you think?-Corner of Shame

Corner of shame: I think you will have a baby in nine months if you fuck her. Bitches are able to will themselves into getting pregnant because they are simple and are here only because men need tits to grab and a wet cunt to poke at after a night of drinking beer and watching sports and/or Cartoon Network.

And while she may tell you don't have to know about or take care of the baby, you can bet your ass she'll come after you for child support, right after she tells the child you spawned that daddy "died from drinking at ________'s bar after work every day because he cared more about drinking than you." Which will be true, except the part about you being dead. You may have a long life of misery ahead of you, sir.

Dear Jorgé:I am a lying piece of shit from Kenya. I currently hold a job I am not qualified for. What should I do? -Barry

Barry: You should quit.

A special reminder to parents:

Easter is jsut around the corner. To save money during these trying economic times, be sure to tell your young children that the Easter Bunny doesn't really bring candy to kids. The Easter Bunny brings the rotting corpse of Christ and they do horrible things to Mommy and Daddy.

You won't have to worry about buying candy, especially those nasty fucking Peeps and the black jelly beans that even beagle dogs pass up.

Need Some Help?

Sad because you're fat? Fat because you're sad? I don't want to help pathetic shitbags like you. In fact, you should log off this fucking piece of shit site and guzzle a gallon of bleach. Be sure to call the proper authorities and let them know what you're up to, because people like you aren't loved and are often left to rot until the landlord comes to pick up the rent and smells you through the door.

The rest of you* should feel free to write about any problems you might be having. I specialize in helping people deal with relationship problems, but my professional training also allows me to assist with other issues involving family, career, masturbation, etc.

Email Dear Jorgé or send mail to:
Dr. Jorgé Cruz PO Box 82007 Columbus Ohio, 43202

*With the exception of foreigners

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Dear Jorgé: My friend wants me to knock her up

Friday, March 27, 2009 11:24 PM

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