Sandpaper Handjob- Dear Jorgé: Dr. Cruz provides advice for beating the winter blahs


Sandpaper Handjob: Fuck a spelcheckor

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Why must people stare every time we grope the Miley Cyrus Oral-B display? Cardboard Miley feels young and firm, without the faint aroma of Billy Ray's cologne or annoying paparazzi asking us if we know that she's still underage.


18-18-4 (40) Communist Nikita Filatov has been recalled from Syracuse, due to a serious lack of healthy bodies. Rick Nash, Jason Chimera, Raffi Torres, and a shitload of other regulars are injured, making a 3-3 Road Trip From Hell look like a pretty safe bet. Not bad, but not good, especially after the big 3-0 start.

18-18-4 (40)

Communist Nikita Filatov has been recalled from Syracuse, due to a serious lack of healthy bodies. Rick Nash, Jason Chimera, Raffi Torres, and a shitload of other regulars are injured, making a 3-3 Road Trip From Hell look like a pretty safe bet. Not bad, but not good, especially after the big 3-0 start.

Dear Jorgé: Dr. Cruz provides advice for beating the winter blahs

January is a tough time for a lot of folks, especially in the east and midwest, where outdoor activity can be limited by the unpleasant weather. This can leave individuals feeling lazy and depressed. Read on.

Dear Jorgé: I am not getting along with my husband right now. After losing my pregnancy weight in the fall, I gained it all back over the holidays. My husband says he can't make love to me when I am overweight. I'm trying hard to please him. Please help. -Sad in El Paso

Sad: You're obviously not trying hard enough. Your husband didn't mind the pregnancy weight because along with it came pregnancy tits. That train has long since left the station, so it's time to recognize the issue.

The problem here is that you got lazy with your diet and excercise. Christina and Halle can make it look easy, but you are obviously not Christina or Halle. Get your fat ass into gear, and learn to like swallowing. If you can't please your husband, you should consider killing yourself.

Dear Jorgé: I've been drinking too much since the Christmas and New Year's parties I attended last month. It's starting to hurt my relationships at home and at work, and I don't know what to do.

Is there something I can do to turn things around? I have big plans for 2009. -Nervous in Dayton

Nervous:You're not drinking enough. If you were, you wouldn't be worried about relationships or your stupid job. Find friends and lovers who won't nag you about your drinking. You can find these kinds of people at the bar, and the nice thing about bars is the fact that they have an endless supply of booze. You'll be killing two birds with one stone.

Dear Jorgé: I am ready to break up with my boyfriend, but I don't know how to go about it. What should I do? -Steph, Tacoma

Steph: Sleep with your boyfriend's father, brother, and best friend in the same day. Someone will spill the beans, and your problem will be solved.

Dear Jorgé: Since my divorce, I've noticed that people have kept their distance from me at church. My ex-husband still attends, but we go at different times to avoid trouble, so I'm not sure why I'm being treated differently. I have yet to be invited to any of the group activities I used to be a part of, and am starting to wonder if I should find a new house of worship.

Should I confront someone, or find a new church? Love for Christ in Scranton

Love: You should go to church Sunday, interupt the service, and tell the congregation that Christ is a spineless cunt. Then tell everyone to go fuck themselves. As for a new church, well, you shouldn't go to church anymore. It's a waste of time.

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Sandpaper Handjob: Fuck a spelcheckor

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Dear Jorgé: Dr. Cruz provides advice for beating the winter blahs

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