Sandpaper Handjob: How to drive drunk


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11-12-3 (25) The Blue Jackets are having a rough time out in the land of assorted fruits and nuts. Squandered chances cost Columbus in Thursday's loss to San Jose, while the team was just plain awful in last night's loss to those sneaky L.A. Kings. A loss tonight to the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim of Orange County of California would leave Ken Hitchcock and company sitting in 14th place. Where is the power play?

11-12-3 (25)

The Blue Jackets are having a rough time out in the land of assorted fruits and nuts. Squandered chances cost Columbus in Thursday's loss to San Jose, while the team was just plain awful in last night's loss to those sneaky L.A. Kings. A loss tonight to the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim of Orange County of California would leave Ken Hitchcock and company sitting in 14th place. Where is the power play?

How to drive drunk

Taxi cabs are for faggots who can't handle their booze.

Cabs are for strippers, escorts, drug dealers, and the occasional businessman headed to Port Columbus. The rest of us have no desire to hitch a ride with some Islamic radical who speaks his native jibberjab into a Bluetooth, likely talking with his fellow hacks about how screwing you on the fare will do until they can murder Americans in the name of the Prophet Muhammud.

Why on earth would anyone call a taxi when their vehicle is sitting in front of the bar where they left it? Unless you've lost your keys (they're in your pocket) we see no reason to waste money or valuable sexytime waiting for a ride to show. We get laid because we'll take the broad's keys and drive to the screw spot. You don't, because when Alaji finally shows up, she's wishing she was with us instead of standing around in the bar's empty parking lot with your sorry ass.

Maybe it's time to change your ways. There's no need to worry about those stupid orange license plates or destroying lives if you follow these simple tips, brought to you by Old Crow. That's right! Old Crow Kentucky Bourbon, another fine product from Fortune Brands!


None of your goddamn business, jerkoff.

Eat dinner Who doesn't eat dinner? Our children, okay? Our kids know that dinner is for grown-ups, and that if they want their two squares then they better show up to school for government breakfast. Lunch is on the house, too, but it's best to bully classmates for their leftovers, otherwise it's going to be a long, hungry weekend.

You, on the other hand, probably have the means to obtain some evening eats. Better do it, homey. Ever wonder how your idiot roommate passed out drunk in the White Castle drive-thru? It's because he was so desperate for nourishment after a night of Crown and Cokes that he had to wait in line with the other sheep who skipped dinner in favor of diving into the bottle. Meanwhile, the smart drunks are sitting comfortably at home, grabbing beers out of the fridge and phoning their coke dealers. Would you rather sit in line at the drive-thru or do bumps off your date's surgically enhanced tits?

It's best to drink on a full stomach. This will help keep liqour cramps and slurred speech at bay. You'll also be able to maintain focus, which is very important if you want to avoid running a red light and killing a bible-beating soccer mom and her seven gifts from Christ. (Rule #1: Most victims of drunk driving will be very Jesus-y and will have plenty of Jesus-y friends and family members ready to testify that Jean was a good, God-fearing woman who loved her kids, etc...)

Don't depend on White Castle for dinner You will get sick on your date.

Be nice to the barkeep Although most bartenders know that police are bad for business, some will phone you in if your behavior is especially sorry or your tip is sorely lacking. Aging, self-important, redneck broad: Yeah, this is Sandy down at the Mellow Tiger. We got a guy flying around the lot, challangin' folks to drag race. No, he wasn't drinkin' here, but he's throwing beer bottles out the window an' I think someone might get hurt, cause someone said he has a gun in the car. Can ya send Deputy Alex? This happens more often than you think. Be nice.

Turn your lights on. You have no idea how many stops are based on people driving with their lights off. Sad, really.

Turn your music down This is especially true for you colored folks. It's three in the morning, and you're rolling down the road with your Lil John cranked up with the sub shaking the windows of each house you pass. Maybe you should try to keep a lower profile.

Slow, but not too slow Don't be in a hurry, but don't drive like your grandmother. She drives us home after the gangbangs, and if you drive like that you will get pulled over.

Instead, just keep cool and pretend you're in a video game, and you have to keep the car off of the yellow lines to win. Keep some Old Crow handy to calm your nerves. It can only help you.

If you hit something or someone, keep going Don't panic if you hit something. Just pretend like it didn't happen. Maybe no one will find out it was you.

Tell the pig to shove it Most cops are watching gay porn at two in the morning, so you should be cool. If you do get pulled over and the cop wants to know if you've been drinking, tell him it's none of his goddamn business and drive off. Or don't even pull over; maybe you can speed away. If taken into custody, refuse the breathalyzer. They'll have to drag some queer judge out of bed to get a warrant for your blood. This is also the time to call your lawyer. Preferably a Jewish lawyer. Jewish lawyers are so good that they can get MADD mothers to testify on your behalf. It'll cost you, but you'll still get to drive, which means you won't have to take a stinkin' taxi to the bar when you want to get good and pissed.

If you take our advice, you can be the big hero when your ex-girlfriend's little sister needs a ride home--to your house. Happy drinking and driving.

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