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How to pick up a prostitute

The wife's boring.
My girlfriend isn't black.
Never had me some white meat.
I don't want my friends to know who I sleep with.
I have no friends.

Sound like you or someone you know? Perhaps a prostitute is the answer. While soliciting is a first degree misdemeanor in the City of Columbus, and The Man might try to screw around with your license if you get caught using a car to buy sex, we're not going to let that stop us from selecting, banging, and-if it's your thing-killing the prostitute of your choice.

(Laws vary by area, so be sure to check things out before exploring new cities.)

They won't all be as hot as this dead English prostitute, but with practice you should be able to find something you like.

1) Stick to the main drags, and start with some window shopping--The Columbus Police are pretty okay to deal with, but if you make it obvious that you're looking to score you're probably going to get nailed, especially if they think you're trying to hook some white. You're really obvious if you start trolling around on the side streets from the get go, and will also fall under the watchful eyes of the corner boys and other urban characters who would love to catch you out of your element. Whores often work with/for the gangstas and will take anyone who doesn't know what they're doing. That goes for all you colored folks out there, too, so don't be overconfident.

Fill up the tank, drive around, and get comfortable with these stretches of Bustown:

Cleveland Ave (Linden 'Hood, north of Downtown; very few honkys)
E. Main St, E. Livingston Ave (Right, asshole. Near East Columbus; you'll be the only honky)
N. High St (Short North to the Campus Area; strong undercover presence)
W. Broad St, Sullivant Ave (W(B)est Side; dangerous white trash factor; meanest police in Columbus)

2) Spot a prostitute --An important thing to remember is that hookers don't always look like hookers. If you see a hot piece of ass standing around with a bunch of people, then she's probably not a hot piece of ass for sale. Remember, whores don't stand out in the elements for the fun of it. They tryin' to get that money, and it's hard to conduct business when others in the community are standing within earshot. Look for women hanging around COTA bus shelters, especially later on in the evening. Trust me, she knows the buses aren't running anymore. Also keep an eye out for women "looking" for their ride. Their ride is you, homey. They aren't looking at you because your work van is in good shape for a '92 Econoline.

3) Take a practice run--You've done some homework, so now it's time to put your trickin' skills to the test. But remember-don't be a dumbass. Honking the horn, flashing your headlights, and otherwise making a spectacle of yourself are good ways to get robbed or arrested.

Once you spot a candidate, give her the oh-hey-do-you-need-a-ride look as you pass by. Be cool. Odds are she'll be playing it cool, too. Take your ass around the block and pass by again, repeating the previous steps. This time roll by a bit slower and stop a few feet ahead. If she turns and moves toward your vehicle then your studies are starting to pay off. (You'll probably start to get excited, and that's when you want to check yourself. Did you remember to look around for police cruisers or plain clothes officers? What about neighborhood thugs?

Roll the window down slightly so you can talk and invite her to hop in. If her trick ass hops in then that's a good sign, but make sure you ask to see a flash of the cunt, just to be safe. The last thing you want is the undercover signaling the cops waiting around the corner.

If everything seems to be going to your satisfaction, then settle up and get your trick on..

4) Travel with a gun Packing heat may also come in handy if you feel like you're being screwed with. It's not like a hooker will call the cops, but keep in mind that she may call someone else. If you pull a gun on a prostitute, leave the area immediately.

5)Have fun!