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Picture of the Day
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18-16-4 (40)Next Five: |
Short Fiction
Kamikaze AnnThe Country Place
Liquor Shits
The Puppy
The Bank Teller
Dear Jorgé
My friend wants me to knock her upI want to sleep with my stepfather
Dr. Cruz provides advice for beating the winter blahs
Dr. Cruz is back
Drunk in the Booth
Ohio State rocks soft scheduleJackets fans silenced in Game 3
NFL hates Jets, Jews
Wings take Jackets to school
Billy Guerin tells Philly to suck it
Indians partying like it's 1991
Jackets headed to Dee-troit
The Near Future of Sports
Blue Jackets lose to faggoty Penguins
Blue Jackets salvage point in loss to Calgary
Hemsky, Oilers hand Columbus crushing defeat
Spineless War Room in Toronto screws Blue Jackets yet again
Terry Frei and Adam Foote give each other rim jobs
Jackets take on Avs in Denver
Blue Jackets in Anaheim for New Year's
War Room screws Jackets in Dallas
St. Bernardus or the Columbus Blue Jackets?
Nash, Jackets screwed
Opening week college football picks
The Truth
Child molester Jackson now a heroFather's Day notes from the Boss
Crew Change is boring
Mexicans show us how dirty they are
Columbus Police protect and serve criminals
Columbus Dispatch horseshit
Clowns suck
Columbus Police take their horsies for a walk
Fun with The Columbus Dispatch
We're millionaires, bitches
St. Patrick's Day observations
Ash Wednesday in Columbus
Signs you're in a bad neighborhood
Pickup lines that work like magic
Whitney Houston is a crack whore
Top 10 Elementary School Field Trips
Fun Facts for the retarded to share at cocktail parties
Things to do in 2009
The worst of 2008
Clintonville condo project burns
A good argument for arson
How to drive drunk
Jewelers make us hate Christmas
Buy more life insurance
Oklahoma is our new president
People in Philly throw things
Baked Oposum Recipe
Wheel of Fortune sucks
Movies that cause brain cancer: Cellular
How to pick up a prostitute
Good riddance to East on Arcadia
Is Columbus growing up?
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333
Jackets take on the Avs in Denver
Well, it's January 2, which means most of you losers have failed to live up to your stupid New Year's resolutions. Maybe if you weren't such losers you could lose that weight or get the promotion or whatever it is you want to accomplish. Too fucking bad.
We don't have time for that shit. No, sir. We do have time to sit on our asses and watch the Columbus Blue Jackets take on turncoat bitch Adam Foote and the Colorado Avalanche, who are one point ahead of Columbus in the Western Conference standings. This is a game Columbus really needs.
9:08pm Scott Parker is no longer with Colorado. The Avs terminated his contract after Parker, who is ugly enough to be Canadian, failed to report after being sent down to the minors back in October. We suggest offering Parker, now a free agent, $300,000 to come and deal with assholes like Jordin Tootoo.
9:10 Jared Boll and Chris Stewart drop the gloves.
9:28 Mike Commodore is called for slashing. The Jackets have trouble clearing the zone, but finally kill the penalty. During a commercial break, we find out that Heather Locklear pleaded no contest to DUI today. Good for her. We plead no contest to wanting to sleep with Heather Locklear's old ass.
9:39Colorado gets on the board first, thanks to Darcy Tucker's fifth goal of the year. Darcy is a girl's name.
Columbus has a mere five shots on goal so far. That's not very good.
9:43 The first period ends with Darcy Tucker flapping his goddamn mouth.
9:44 Roach Dog, the Official Dog of Sandpaper Handjob, likes bologna and Cheerios.
10:02 Kristian Huselius ties it up. He hits the post like he has a habit of doing, but this one goes in.
10:06 Michael Peca gets called for hooking. We don't have a good feeling about this.
10:08 Manny Malholtra misses out on a short-handed goal by a couple of inches, but Columbus manages to kill the Colorado power-play and go on one of their own.
10:11 Columbus captain Rick Nash is hauled down in front of the net by Adam Foote, but the officials must have been too busy thinking about child porn to make the call.
10:19 Boll drops the gloves to check Foote, but Foote goes to the bench.
10:20 Peter Budaj stops Rick Nash's breakaway attempt, but Nash was hooked and is awarded a penalty shot.
10:22 Nash converts, 2-1 Columbus. Hooray.
10:28 We sure are sick of these Lexus commercials. Christmas is over, bitches. Get over it.
10:36 Huselius scores again to put the Jackets up 3-1. Columbus outshoots Colorado 16-5 in the second. The Pepsi Center is quiet, a silence similar to when your family finds out you got the babysitter pregnant.
10:38 Kingdom Christian Center wants you to take your ass to church this Sunday. Bring money.
11:03 Mike Commodore shows why he is the best right-handed shot on the Blue Jackets, putting the Jackets up 4-1. Jakub Voracek adds a goal of his own to pad the lead and send many of the fatasses in Denver to the exits.
Commodore has made everybody forget that Adam Foote was last year's captain.
11:10Boll leaves the game with a "lower body injury." In hockey, it's always an upper body injury or a lower body injury, never a broken ankle or a sore dick. Oh, those shady Canadians.
11:13 Rick Nash and Adam Foote have been talking shit to each other all evening.
11:14 RJ Umberger scores a power-play goal for the worst unit in the NHL to extend the lead to 6-1. We'll be shocked if there isn't a fight of some sort.
11:21 With four minutes left, it's a simple matter of bleeding the clock. Columbus will win their fourth in a row, and start their six-game Road Trip From Hell 3-0. While we typed the last sentence, we wondered what we'd find if we searched the term "hockey sluts." This is what we found:
11:30 The Avs get booed off of the ice. Columbus moves into playoff position with the 6-1 victory. There's plenty of room on the bandwagon, which may get a bit more crowded after Cheatypants McSweatervest and tOSU get stomped in the desert Monday night.
