Sandpaper Handjob: Buy more life insurance


Sandpaper Handjob: Because Jebus loves you

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7-6-2 (16) The Columbus Blue Jackets are showing some signs of life, thanks to the spark provided by Steve Mason. The rookie has won his first three starts and may be pushing Freddy Norrena out the door. The power play is still a huge problem, and the worst in the Western Conference. Five shorthanded goals in the first month is also disturbing, but Columbus is riding a six-game point streak (4-0-2) while improving an offense that was the worst in the league last year. Next up is Gamblin' Wayne and his bratty Coyotes, who beat the visiting Jackets 3-1 in the home opener. Columbus would love to win the fourth and final game of the home stand.

7-6-2 (16)

The Columbus Blue Jackets are showing some signs of life, thanks to the spark provided by Steve Mason. The rookie has won his first three starts and may be pushing Freddy Norrena out the door.

The power play is still a huge problem, and the worst in the Western Conference. Five shorthanded goals in the first month is also disturbing, but Columbus is riding a six-game point streak (4-0-2) while improving an offense that was the worst in the league last year.

Next up is Gamblin' Wayne and his bratty Coyotes, who beat the visiting Jackets 3-1 in the home opener. Columbus would love to win the fourth and final game of the home stand.

Your wife wants you to buy life insurance

This ad in the Miami Herald surely gave South Floridians pause while they took coffee with the Sunday paper, relaxing before another day of stepping on palmetto bugs and keeping the backyard free of Cubans and alligators.

The kid in the picture looks like the housekeeper's son, but the fine broad with the mourning widow thing going on is alright. It would take some balls to hit on that chick at her husband's funeral, but the payoff would be huge.

In case anyone is wondering, this is what happens when you die without life insurance:

1) Your wife gets banged by the gardener Hard to believe, but this is what happens. Upon hearing of your death, he says how sorry he is, Mrs. Whatever, and then pours her a class of your wine in a desperate attempt to calm her down. Your wife then takes him right there in the kitchen. It's only later that she upgrades to your father or, in some cases, your mother.

2) Your kid gets whooped on at school "Ha, ha, your dad's dead." This is what your son will hear when word gets around the playground. It will usually occur with the kids circling around, pushing him from person to person while being generous with slaps to the head and kicks to the ass. One of them will declare that Johny won't be attending their school anymore because "his mom is just a low-rent trophy wife and his dad didn't have enough life insurance."

3) Your kid won't be attending that school anymore Your wife will develop a cocaine habit and put your kid into public school to save some cash. Unable to keep up with the "urban" kids, he will go from starting on the basketball team at his private school to getting robbed in the hallway by the players at his new school. He will also be threatened by knife-wielding Hispanics.

4) Your friends get a turn You can be sure your friends will come around to "see how she's doing." This will go on for a month or two, and your wife will enjoy every bit of it. She's finally found a use for your bed.

5)Your wife makes some new friends After six months, your wife must sell your house. She will move into an apartment in a sketchy part of town, and your kid will probably get to switch schools again, where new beatings and enemies await. Other enemies include your wife's new boyfriends, many of whom will attempt to touch or photograph your son in an inappropriate fashion.

By some more life insurance, or your wife will turn into a drug addict and your son will become a prostitute.

Mf Doom

Dude's crazy.

Sandpaper Handjob: Because Jebus loves you

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Your wife wants you to buy life insurance

Mf Doom