Sandpaper Handjob: Signs you're in a bad neighborhood


Sandpaper Handjob: Condoms are for sailors

Send us your stupid comments and nude photos of your wife

Picture of the Day


Some people are into some strange shit.


28-23-5 (61) Steve Mason is back in a big way, beating Dee-troit and Carolina this weekend to move the Columbus Blue Jackets back into playoff position. Will Columbus make a move at the trade deadline, or does management feel they can get into the postseason with the current personnel? Next up: Dallas, Monday, 7:00pm

28-23-5 (61)

Steve Mason is back in a big way, beating Dee-troit and Carolina this weekend to move the Columbus Blue Jackets back into playoff position.

Will Columbus make a move at the trade deadline, or does management feel they can get into the postseason with the current personnel?

Next up: Dallas, Monday, 7:00pm

Signs you're in a bad neighborhood

Sunday, February 15, 2009 10:00 PM

Most people have the good sense to know they're in a bad neighborhood and should leave quickly, but others think that their Obama bumper sticker makes everything okay and it doesn't matter anymore.

Dem peoples beez mistaken.

As a service to our loyal readers, we asked Central Ohio residents what they do, where they live, and how they know they're in a bad neighborhood. We also axed some Columbus criminals the same questions. Here are the responses they had in common.

Fried Chicken Jason McCormick, Gahanna, HVAC Tech: "If you can see more than one fried chicken joint, you need to turn the car around," says . "Like over in the Chicken District at Fifth and Cleveland? It doesn't look to bad during the day, but I don't think I'd want to head down there on a Saturday night."

"I do HVAC, so sometimes I have to go the hood for a job, but we schedule those first thing in the morning. We had a tech get his van stolen out on the Hilltop once, and another guy got a gun pulled on him on the south end, so we do those jobs when the thugs are still sleeping."

Why on earth would someone rob a heating and cooling technician?

"I have no idea."

"Junior" Washington, Small Business Owner/Cocaine Distributor, Columbus: Junior has lived in North Linden for all but two of his 25 years. Making change for a customer at the drive-thru he owns with his cousin, he laughs ar our question. "Chicken joint, rib joint, there's pro'ly some dudes around, ya know? It's a sign. I know white folks like that shit, but you don't have those places in your areas 'cause then you'd have niggas in your area, and we know you don't like that."

Junior's a friendly guy, but we also know that he's been locked up twice and has some sort of firearm on his person at the drive-thru--and when he's out "collecting" from two crack houses he oversees on the city's east side. "You see a KFC, that ain't really shit, right?" They're everywhere. But if you see a Popeye's or whatever, and you can also see, like, a billboard with an ad for Kools, you are out of your area."

Airbrushing businesses Nathan Wright, Medical Student, Polaris: "There was like ten of us. My best friends, a couple other dudes, and maybe three or four of the girlfriends. We couldn't get rides to Easton, so some of us got dropped off at the old Northland Mall. Everyone else walked."

"We had some time to kill before our movie, so we went across the lot and into the mall to grab some pizza or something. There were all these empty stores, and a shitload of rough looking high school kids. Somalis, too. There was an airbrushing place, and they had a handmade sign covering up the scar left from whatever store had been there before. That's when one one of the girls said we should just go back to the theatre."

"Then this huge guy walks up to my buddy Kevin's girlfriend and starts talking to her. We tell him to fuck off, which was a mistake, but what could we do? He just kind of shrugs and walks away, so whatever."

"It wasn't a big deal, so we all leave, but we have a big group so we're kind of split in two. By the time me and everyone else in the second group get outside, these two guys are attacking Kevin in the parking lot. Me and the other guys and Kevin's girlfriend jump in and fight them off. Just as the rest of the ghetto posse is coming from who knows where, the cops come and grab three or four of these guys. The other five or six ran back toward those nasty apartments back behind the mall."

"Kevin got his nose broken, but we broke the one guy's jaw, which was cool since he was the one that started the whole thing. The cop didn't want us to go to the movies, so we all had to go back with a couple of other cops to the little police station out in front of the mall until our parents could pick us up. We never went back to Northland again."

Jay Harris, "Don't worry about it", Whitehall: "My oldest brother met his wife there (Northland Mall). My uncle tended bar at some place in there a hundred years ago. I got a lot of cousins that stay up that way, so I was up there a lot 'till they tore the mall down. Now I go to Easton, but it don't matter. North side like the airbrushing capital of the city, and that shit is so sorry. If you see an airbrushing business, or some niggas wearing that shit, you better leave, 'cause they will rob you. Any nigga wearing that shit ain't got shit and is gonna want yours."

Check Cashing Place Tasha Curry, Secretary, Worthington: "I had to take my sister over to one of those places on my break the other day. Motherfuckers are comin' up to my car askin' if I want to buy these movies. 'Hell, no. And you can take your dirty ass away from car.' The check places are always in shitty areas, 'cause people in the hood don't trust no bank."

Meredith Williams, Escort, Dublin: "I got lost a few months ago and couldn't get directions over the phone, so I had to stop at one of those loan places to ask for help. There was a thick sheet of glass seperating these mean-looking women from a long line of dirty people with kids running around and everyone talking on those Nextel phones. I turned around and found a cop instead."

Here are some other things to look out for in the event you become lost:

Lack of national grocery/retail presence
Unsupervised children during school hours
Large amount of borded up buildings
Tom Joyner billboard
President Obama
Bars on doors and windows
Wig Shop

The Bald Man adds his list:

1) pawnshops 2) Disposable cell phone/phone card stores 3) More than three nail decorating shops within any two-block radius 4) Mom and Pop Thrift stores 5) Community Center named after someone named "Cleveland," "Billie," "Loretta," or "Wilson" or that has a police "community outreach" office 6) So called "Urban malls" 7) Any incongruent combination of businesses which share a common door and sign, i.e., "Kletus Car Wash, Barbershop, and Fish Market" 8) Medical office center staffed entirely by osteopaths and containing a pharmacy and of course 9) Martin Luther King Boulevard

March
Sun	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
	1	2	3	4	5	6
7	8	9	10	11	12	13
14	15	16	17	18	19	20
21	22	23	24	25	26	27
28	29	30	31

Sandpaper Handjob:
Condoms are for sailors

Picture of the Day

28-23-5 (61)

Short Fiction

Dear Jorgé

Drunk in the Booth

The Truth

Sponsored by:

Music

Signs you're in a bad neighborhood

Sunday, February 15, 2009 10:00 PM

Scarface

Sandpaper Handjob: Condoms are for sailors

Picture of the Day

28-23-5 (61)

Short Fiction

Dear Jorgé

Drunk in the Booth

The Truth

Sponsored by:

Music

Signs you're in a bad neighborhood

Sunday, February 15, 2009 10:00 PM

Scarface

Sandpaper Handjob:
Condoms are for sailors