Movies that cause brain cancer: Cellular

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Jesse Jackson has been awfully quiet. Did the DNC tell him to keep his mouth shut until the Magic Negro wins the election? Or perhaps he's been busy maintaining his stable of white women?


3-5-0 (6) "There is inconclusive evidence, so the call on the ice is reversed." Huh? The War Room in Toronto fucked Columbus for the second game in a row, screwing the Jackets out of a point. Rick Nash appeared to tie the game late in the third period, but after the overworked replay assholes at HQ couldn't make up their minds, three of the four Canadian faggot refs decided high sticking was involved. No goal, Minnesota takes it 2-1. The National Hockey League obviously wants the Jackets to remain in the basement until the fans stop coming and the team can be moved to Portland or up into America's Hat.

3-5-0 (6)

"There is inconclusive evidence, so the call on the ice is reversed." Huh?

The War Room in Toronto fucked Columbus for the second game in a row, screwing the Jackets out of a point. Rick Nash appeared to tie the game late in the third period, but after the overworked replay assholes at HQ couldn't make up their minds, three of the four Canadian faggot refs decided high sticking was involved. No goal, Minnesota takes it 2-1.

The National Hockey League obviously wants the Jackets to remain in the basement until the fans stop coming and the team can be moved to Portland or up into America's Hat.

Movies that cause brain cancer: Cellular

October 19, 2008

Quick, name a decent Kim Basinger movie.

Time's up! If you said The English Patient, you're a goddamn queer. The correct answer is any movie where you get to see her tits.

Unfortunately, Cellular is not one of them.


She fucked Prince back in the day: Basinger and her tits

Basinger plays Jessica Martin, a high school biology teacher with big tits and a spic housekeeper who is kidnapped by crooked cops. It turns out that her faggoty husband inadvertanly captured footage of the pigs robbing and killing drug dealers, and the pigs want the tape. This isn't revealed until later, long after we realize the kidnappers aren't going to take turns titty and ass fucking Martin in the attic where she's being held hostage. Anyhow, dude smashes the phone in the attic, but the Basinger character fiddles around with the pieces until she's able to cross some wires and randomly dial up California surfer bitch Ryan (Chris Evans). Martin uses her phone sex voice to convince Ryan that she needs help, setting off a series of horseshit events that Michael Bay would call ridiculous.

Eventually we meet Officer Mooney (William H. Macy), who has one of those queer facial hair deals favored by the many closeted members of the law enforcement community. Mooney is about to retire to open up a day spa, which is apparently faggot cop slang for gay bathhouse. He says he has a wife, but you just don't buy that shit for a second. Oh, and Mooney kills some bad guys.

Eventually Martin's husband and son are also taken hostage, but some shit happens and Ryan saves the day. Martin presses her tits against him with her husband standing right there, and you think she might make a baby with him right there at the beach. This does not happen. Instead, Surfer Bitch says not to call him anymore. You know, because she called his cellular phone and all this crazy shit happened. We get it!

We would fuck Kim Basinger even if she was our grandmother, but we don't really want to watch any more of her movies. If your friends call about renting Cellular, tell 'em to get fucked.

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Movies that cause brain cancer: Cellular

October 19, 2008