Sandpaper Handjob: The near future of sports


Sandpaper Handjob: Mr. JonBenet Ramsey and Company

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Your president has fucked things up so badly that you can't even get a fucking lobster at the grocery store. Sad.


33-27-6 (72) The Columbus Blue Jackets set franchise records for goals scored and largest margin of victory in an 8-2 win over the Detroit Abandoned Buildings. Next up: Boston, Tuesday, 7:00pm

33-27-6 (72)

The Columbus Blue Jackets set franchise records for goals scored and largest margin of victory in an 8-2 win over the Detroit Abandoned Buildings.

Next up: Boston, Tuesday, 7:00pm

The near future of sports

Monday, March 9, 2009 6:55 AM

Ten things that will happen sometime soon in the world of sports:

1)Terrell Owens is an asshole with a big fucking mouth. He will score less than five touchdowns this year, and the stupid Buffalo Bills will finish the 2009 season with a very Buffalo-like 6-10 record.

2)Derek Jeter is a faggot. Unlike most baseball players, Jeter hasn't been injected with steroids. You can bet, however, that he's been injected with penis.

3)USC will defeat Jim "Cheatypants McSweatervest" Tressel and Ohio State by a score of 35-31 when the Trojans come to Columbus September 12. The MNC of 2002 is but a distant memory in the minds of the Redneck Nation, and many fans and alumni may start to realize that their head coach dresses like a big time pussy.

4)The San Jose Sharks will lose in the first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs.

5)The White House Easter Egg will be cancelled and replaced with a watermelon eating contest.

6)Allison Stokke will quit her track and field team at Cal and go into hiding to escape the three or four million internet stalkers she's picked up since her junior year of high school.

7)The Cincinnati Reds, desperate for improved attendance, put on a Marge Schott promotion. Each fan gets an Adolf Hitler doll, and smoking will be permitted in Great American Ballpark while dogs shit in the outfield. Eric Davis throws the ceremonial first pitch.

8)The WNBA cancels its 2009 season after realizing that nobody gives a shit about women's basketball.

9)Stuart Scott admits that he and Steven A. Smith are queer for each other.

10)Manny Ramirez has his worst season as a professional, declares bankruptcy, and his forced to work on a coffee plantation in the offseason.

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Sandpaper Handjob: Mr. JonBenet Ramsey and Company

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33-27-6 (72)

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The near future of sports

Monday, March 9, 2009 6:55 AM

Sandpaper Handjob:
Mr. JonBenet Ramsey and Company