Sandpaper Handjob: Blue Jackets in Anaheim for New Year's


Sandpaper Handjob: We hate everything

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17-16-4 (38) Next Five: 1/2- @Colorado 1/3- @St. Louis 1/6- @Dee-troit 1/9- @Washington 1/10- Minnesota

17-16-4 (38)

Next Five:
1/2- @Colorado
1/3- @St. Louis
1/6- @Dee-troit
1/9- @Washington
1/10- Minnesota

Blue Jackets in Anaheim for New Year's

We're staying in this New Year's Eve. A last minute change in plans has relieved us of job and family obligations for the evening, allowing us to do whatever the hell we want.

That's great, except we hate December 31st more than we hate Jesse Jackson. You people can shove your resolutions up your asses. We plan on impregnating as many women as possible in 2009, starting with Miley Cyrus. That's assuming Billy Ray hasn't beaten us to the punch.

The Heady Nuggets show in Columbus is tempting, but we will be staying in tonight to watch the Columbus Blue Jackets visit the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim Orange County California United States, in what is the second stop in the six game Road Trip From Hell. Molson Triple X-the pussy 7.3 version Americans are stuck with-will ride shotgun as we watch the Blue Jackets attempt to build momentum for what is the most important stretch of the season. That's right! Molson Triple X, another fine product from Molson-Coors and proud sponsor of Sandpaper Handjob.

9:08pm While we wait for the opening face-off, we wonder why Fox Sports Ohio didn't air Monday's game in Los Angeles. It's a complete mystery to us.

9:09 Rookie Steve Mason is tested right away, as the puck remains in the Columbus zone most of the first two minutes. RJ Umberger is called for hooking. Not a good start.

9:13 We kill a Triple X as Columbus kills off the Umberger penalty.

9:14The officials pay us back for one of their many horseshit calls this year by waving off what probably should have been a delay-of-game penalty. No biggie, though. Freddie Modin gets called for hooking. It's cheap as hell.

9:19 Columbus goes 2-2 on the penalty kill. We go 2-2 on getting our beer open.

9:20 Bud Light has the most idiotic ad campaigns in the alcoholic beverage industry. Bud Light is the most popular beer in the United States. Hmmmmm...

9:32 The Blue Jackets fail to cash in on their first power-play. Anaheim's head frog, Jean-Sebastien Giguere, looks sharp in goal tonight. He often does. Columbus, as we all know, has the worst power-play in the universe, so using the word "sharp" to describe Giguere stopping two Columbus shots during the five-on-four may be generous.

9:45 The first period ends with no scoring. There was a lot of pushing and shoving. George Parros, who looks like Rollie Fingers' unclaimed bastard, will probably beat the shit out of Jared Boll at some point tonight. Boll has heart and can scrap, but Parros is a big, tough sonofabitch. Parros challenged Boll twice when the teams met earlier this month, but Boll declined. You have to think that Boll will take him up on the offer this time around.

It should be noted that Pascal Leclaire was the losing goalie in the December 7th loss. Leclaire, who is also a frog, started only two games this month. Leclaire finished the 2007-2008 season with nine shutouts, but has struggled mightily this year. Is that ankle the problem, or is it a mental thing, like when you can't fuck your wife anymore because she isn't a transgendered prostitute?

10:05 Derek Dorsett is held, but there's no call. Giguere then gives up a juicy rebound, but the game remains scoreless.

10:10 Derek Dorsett and George Parros talk some shit. There will be a fight within five minutes of the first goal, regardless of who scores it.

10:24 The Ducks go on their fourth power-play of the evening, thanks to a Rostislav Klesla holding penalty, but the Columbus penalty kill has been sharp tonight. It's still scoreless, and we're still sitting in the World's Most Dangerous Swivel Chair, despite the fact that there's a sure lay waiting just blocks from the Sandpaper fortress.

10:33 Ducks, 1-0. But, um... RJ Umberger gets into it with Ducks jerkoff Ryan Getzlaf, who was apparently called for interference before a nifty goal from -------------*. No one hears the whistle, and the refs have to break up the fracas behind the net, so of course everyone in the Honda Center is pissed off when the goal is finally waved. The officiating is kinda shitty tonight, but...

10:36 ...Not as shitty as the Jackets on a five-on-three power play. Kristian Huselius is the king when it comes to hitting the post, but you have to feel for the guy. Giguere is a helluva goalie, and he makes a glove shot on what looked to be the the first goal of the evening. The second period ends with no score, although the Jackets have 52 seconds of power-play time to start the third. Unless the Ducks go up by two, we won't be seeing any fights this evening.

10:58 The Ducks have at least three broken sticks this evening, with Pronger breaking his to start the third period. What a pain in the ass that is.

11:04 It's a bit early to say, but we see some overtime tonight. Columbus is outshooting the Ducks 25-16 at this point but Giguere is playing a great game.

11:07 Craig MacDonald redirects a shot from Mike Commodore, who is easily the best aquisition of the Scott Howson regime. It's MacDonald's first goal as a Blue Jacket. 1-0, Columbus. Moments later, Steve Mason stops a shot with his mask, which ends up on the ice.

11:27Rick Nash assists Michael Peca to put the Jackets up 2-0. The Ducks pull Giguere to add a sixth skater. Commodore gets called for a cross-check to give the Ducks a six-on-four. It's not over yet.

11:31 Mason makes a nice save to keep Anaheim off the scoreboard. Team Sandpaper gets started on another Triple X. That's right! Molson Triple X, proud sponser of sandpaperhandjob!

11:33 Columbus 2, Anaheim 0. Steve Mason and Columbus win by shutout for the third consecutive game, a franchise record. Mason hasn't given up a goal in 182:08**, also a franchise record.

12:00 Happy New Year, you cocksuckers.

*-Player unknown at publishing time

**-Not responsible for statistical accuracy

NOFX, All of Me

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Sandpaper Handjob: We hate everything

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Blue Jackets in Anaheim for New Year's

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Sandpaper Handjob:
We hate everything