Sandpaper Handjob: The triumphant return of Dr. Jorgé Cruz


Sandpaper Handjob: Because Jebus loves you

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Joan Rivers? You bet your ass we would! Melissa? Not so much.


11-10-3 (25) The good news: The Columbus Blue Jackets beat Vancouver thanks to some amazing stops from rookie sensation Steve Mason. The 3-2 victory showed the Jackets can play with some of the top teams in the Western Conference. The bad news: A trip to San Jose tonight will likely show that they aren't ready to play with all of them. Prediction: Sharks, 4-2.

11-10-3 (25)

The good news: The Columbus Blue Jackets beat Vancouver thanks to some amazing stops from rookie sensation Steve Mason. The 3-2 victory showed the Jackets can play with some of the top teams in the Western Conference. The bad news: A trip to San Jose tonight will likely show that they aren't ready to play with all of them. Prediction: Sharks, 4-2.

The triumphant return of Dr. Jorgé Cruz

Yes, I have returned.

A few of you have suggested that my advice might come in handy this holiday season, and I'm afraid you may be right. While nobody is going to miss some foreigner who got crushed by a mob of unruly Long Island negroes at Wal-Mart-we have more than our fair share of Haitians from that thing back in '92 or whenever-it can be good to stop and take a look in the mirror. This is especially true if you're one of those closet homo types who likes to wear the wife's makeup and is carless about washing it off before she comes back from the store or whatever women are supposed to be doing when not baking cookies and giving oral.

For the one or two of you who have sought my advice recently, I apologize for not writing back or answering via Sandpaper Handjob. You have to understand that my main concern of late has been whichever young lady that has found herself underneath me, waiting patiently as I reach back for the big Moneythrust™ that will relieve me of the day's breeding juice and allow us to return to the kitchen for refills of Old Crow. That's right! Old Crow Kentucky Bourbon, another fine product from Fortune Brands-and proud sponsor of Sandpaper Handjob dot com.

How about we dig into the 'ol inbox and see what we can find, yes?


Tell your kids the truth about Santa.

Dear Jorgé: I have a problem. My mom has these crazy mood swings, my father ignores her, and the rest of my family is self-absorbed. I really want to be with them for Christmas, but I'm not sure how to deal with all of the drama. How can my boyfriend and I enjoy the visit home? -Doubtful in Delaware

Doubtful: Stay at your house. Why? Because Christmas sucks. Ask Santa for a bottle of Old Crow and pleasure yourself with the remote control. Oh, and dump your boyfriend. He's a closeted homosexual.

Dear Jorgé: My son is two. Is it too early to take him to see Santa? -Cautious in Overland Park

Cautious: Yes, but it's not too early to tell him that Santa is really a child molester who wants to make sure that your son will never see mommy and daddy again if he doesn't keep his mouth shut. In fact, you can make it so that you don't have to deal with Christmas presents, either. I've got kids all over the place. It sucks and it cuts into my coke/strippers/booze budget like you wouldn't believe. With my youngest daughter, who is also two, I just wrap up some of last month's birthday presents and treat them like they're new gifts. Oh, and when I say wrap, I mean I put them in plastic bags and leave them in her room. She has new toys, and I get to go to the bar.

Dear Jorgé: My wife insists that we have my sister-in-law and her partner over for Christmas Dinner, since the rest of the family has shunned them because of their sexual preferences. I'm okay with it, but if my in-laws find out it could get really ugly for me. We all live in the same city and see a lot of each other at church, gatherings, etc. How would you handle it? -Loving Husband in Texas

Texas: I didn't think queers were allowed in Texas, nor did I think a man's wife was allowed to insist on anything except a clean house. In any event, I would suggest having your wife get a job waiting tables until she has enough money to buy the godless couple some WNBA tickets. You can drop the tickets off at whatever seedy apartment the lesbians live in and let them know that they should stay away from your house unless they want Santa to bring them female circumcisions for Christmas.

Dear Jorgé: I am a senior in high school. I am the captain of the cheerleading team, the water polo team, and vice-president of the student council. I have a nice life, but I would like to do something nice for less fortunate people this year. I don't have any money leftover from my Christmas shopping. What can I do? Carmen, Fort Wayne

Carmen You sound like a really nice girl. Do you let the boys touch you down there? Anyway, if you want to do something nice, you should do something nice for those of us who have to look at stupid homeless people all the time. I suggest making a batch of poisoned Christmas cookies and taking them to a homeless encampment. You can find one near any major freeway exit.

Dear Jorgé: I am a freshman in college. My boyfriend and I ended up going to different schools, but we are still together. We believe Christ wants us to be together, and share His love. I was thinking about doing some "stuff" with him for his Christmas present, but I'm not sure what the Lord would think about it. I know we're supposed to wait until we're married, but I also think He has brought us together and it might be okay if it was like a present or something. My boyfriend thinks we should pray, but I really need to know what to do. -Emily in Cedarville

Emily: You should do whatever your boyfriend wants you to do. It will be good practice for when you get married. Besides, I promise you that he's been "praying" with some of the girls in the dorm, and you don't want to miss out, do you? Just make sure not to let him wear a condom. Condoms gets in the way, and were invented by people who don't believe in God and the process of creation.

Sandpaper Handjob: Because Jebus loves you

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