Sandpaper Handjob: St. Bernardus or the Columbus Blue Jackets?


Sandpaper Handjob: Because Jebus loves you

Porn of the Day

Was this taped in Dallas?

Picture of the Day


If someone gave us money to get kids to apply to Arizona State University, we would have the easiest job in the world. Bet, nigga.


10-10-3 (23) The Jackets earn their second shutout of the season. We're still going to report from home on Monday.

10-10-3 (23)

The Jackets earn their second shutout of the season. We're still going to report from home on Monday.

St. Bernardus or the Columbus Blue Jackets?

Saturday, November 29, 2008

After last night's colassal goat fuck up in Dee-troit, it's obvious to us that the Columbus Blue Jackets will make General Manager Scott Howson's job very difficult when the trade deadline rolls around. Crossbars, posts, and some brainfucks in the net have cost the Jackets some points of late, but the increased firepower of the Columbus offense leads us to believe that the CBJ will be within four or five points of the final postseason slot in the Western Conference come February. That will put pressure on Howson to pick up some help for the league's WORST power play.

But let's just hold on a minute. We have yet to receive our Lord and Savior, Jebus Christ, so let's remember that there's plenty of hockey to play. They'll be plenty of time to talk trade later. In the meantime, Communist superstar Alex Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals are in town tonight to make fans wish Columbus played in the Eastern Conference. There, the Jackets would have the Islanders, Leafs, and the two shitty Florida teams to kick the shit out of on a regular basis. In fact, despite giving up the game winner in the last two minutes in losses to Phoenix and Dee-troit, Columbus will still show how overrated Wahington really is.

Or at least that's what the fans of the CBJ are hoping for. The team is incredibly hard to watch. Mrs. Cruz was the first star of the October 18 beatdown in Nashville, bringing enough body and wine to distract us from a 6-3 loss that made us forget about the 5-3 win over the same Preds squad in Columbus the night before. She's not around tonight, leaving us to fend for ourselves.

The weapon of choice? St. Bernardus Christmas Ale, a mean sonofabithch weighing in at a pint and change and packing a mean 10% ABV. Tonight, we'll see if Columbus can get it together and outperform this hopefully tasty Belgium ale.

6:55pm We pop da cork on one, nigga. Stuff has a nice aroma. While Bud Light is the best selling beer in these United States of Israel :), and is quite servicable, you just can't beat the nose found on high end jobs like these. Unfortunately, after a sip or two we regret not going for the Great Lakes Christmas Ale instead. We still like it okay, doe, ya dig?

7:18ishRaffi Torres finally tickles the twine. When hockey guys talk about tickling the twine or burying the biscuit, we can't help but think about mattress dancing. We also find it creepy that hockey people call it the "dressing room" instead of the locker room.

8:15 Nothing is more annoying than watching a Columbus power play. We would rather go to church. Now we know how our dates feel when we're spraying ejaculate all over the room after a handful of well-meaning yet meanigless thrusts. We may get some shots on net, but we DO NOT Score.

8:18 We would so nail the trophy wife in the IGS commercial. They sell natural gas but pimp Columbia Gas of Ohio into sharing pipes and reading the meters.

8:20 Steve Mason has made everyone forget about Freddy Norrena, who we love to death. A nice glove save keeps Columbus on top 1-0, and has some folks wondering if Pascal LeClaire is working himself into the official backup slot. After failing to hug the left post properly in Motown last night, so are we.

8:27 Hard work on the boards leads to RJ Umberger assisting on a Rick Nash bullet that puts the Jackets up 2-0. This is the kind of prick tease most Columbus fans have gotten used to. Are we looking at another 4-3 loss? Or maybe we're taking the addition of Umberger (8-6-14) for granted. He is third on the team in scoring.

8:32 Communist superstar Ovechkin wants a penalty, but he's not gonna get one. He probably wanted a loaf of bread when he was a kid, but the lines in Moscow were far to long.

8:38 Don't even think about screwing around with Kevin Kurgis. He will take your money, your wife, and your life.

8:42 Columbus celeb Zachary Allen Starkey's take on Kevin Kurgis. Sigh.

8:46 Want you some rural lovin'? Head over to farmersonly.com! It's hard-even when you're heartless like us-not to feel for folks who live out in the sticks, want love, and aren't borderline prostitutes like Jody Foster in The Accused. City folk like the Sandpaper crew may be ugly, but we have numerous bars to troll within walking distance. Country folks do not.

9:06 Much to our surprise, the Euro Xmas Ale has been outperformed by Columbus.

9:15 Captain Rick Nash finally converts a breakaway, a shorthanded goal that puts Columbus up 3-0 at 13:37 of the third. Nash, according to people who know what they're talking about, is averaging a point a game over the last seven.

9:25 Mason earns his second career shutout, which is also the second shutout for Columbus this season. Easily the most complete game of the year, Columbus snaps a three game losing streak at home and has the Sandpaper staff predicting a 4-1 beatdown at the hands of the Vancouver Canucks this Monday. Sorry, but that's what's gonna happen. Now if you'll excuse us, we have an appointment with Commodore Perry.

Blind Melon

He's already half dead, yes?

Sandpaper Handjob: Because Jebus loves you

Porn of the Day

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10-10-3 (23)

Short Fiction

Dear Jorgé

Drunk in the Booth

The Truth

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St. Bernardus or the Columbus Blue Jackets?

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Blind Melon