Sandpaper Handjob: St. Patrick's Day observations


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36-28-6 (78) Is Columbus playing to improve their playoff position, or holding on for dear life? Next up: Chicago, Wednesday, 7:00pm

36-28-6 (78)

Is Columbus playing to improve their playoff position, or holding on for dear life?

Next up: Chicago, Wednesday, 7:00pm

St. Patrick's Day observations

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 11:11 PM

St. Patrick's Day rocks, and so do the Irish. Aside from New Year's Eve, what other day can you get away with vomiting alcohol before noon? Thanksgiving? Bullshit. Sure, you'll do some drinking. Maybe a lot of it. But bet your ass that your aunt or your father or your new wife who's trying to impress your mom will nag the shit out of you for being drunk and telling "nigger jokes" at the dinner table. Your other relatives that you don't see as much will trade uncomfortable glances while making excuses to leave and beat the I-71 traffic, and to make matters worse, the Lions still get one of the traditional holiday slots. Thanksgiving also sucks because people want you to be thankful for not being a cripple or a Mexican or homeless. If we want to be ungrateful, that's our fucking business.

The Irish, though, they do it right. Finger fucking at a tent party will fly on St. Patrick's Day, as will just about anything else, because everyone's too drunk to give a shit. We skip the horseshit parades because those are for cops and local politicians who don't like abortions but like to drive drunk and still aren't sure if they really supported a colored fella in the election last fall. But once the morning cold gives way to sunny skies and a light breeze, even the Protestants are tapping kegs. What do you have to say about Thanksgiving now? (We will recognize the Wednesday before Thanksgiving as the best day of the year to return to your hometown and fuck your old friend's little sister, because she's 25 now and your old friend's probably fucking your mom at a bar a couple of blocks away.)

We hope all of you amatuer drinkers enjoyed the holiday. As for the rest of you, the bars are once again ours. At least until Memorial Day.

Other quick thoughts on this Day of the Mick:

After a LeBatt Ice's worth of hesitation, we congratulate Marty Brodeur on his record-breaking win tonight over the Chicago Rainbowhawks. Brodeur led New Jersey to a 3-2 win and passed arrogant French-Canadian faggot Patrick Roy as the NHL's all-time winningest goaltender. Which is more impressive: Brodeur's 552nd win in net, or Barry Bond's steroid-fueled home run record? Well, Damned Gentlemen? The class is waiting.

We think a win over the Rainbowhawks in Columbus Wednesday gives fans of the CBJ reason to sit back and enjoy watching the rest of the postseason wannabees scramble for the last two playoff spots in the Western Conference.

We're trying to give a shit about March Madness, but we just can't do it.

We know this broad that we would've fucked as recently as a year ago. It is no longer a year ago:

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St. Patrick's Day observations

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 11:11 PM

Sandpaper Handjob:
The official sperm of Bristol Palin