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Sandpaper Handjob: Because Jebus loves you

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Movies that cause brain cancer

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College Football
Picture of the Day
Jesse Jackson Criminal

She has tattoos and access to clothes that don't fit Courtney Love anymore. She can sing a little bit. She has a shitty band and the cover of this month's Revolver. Life is good for Maria Brink. We say good for her. She's kinda cute.

The problem is that In This Moment is one of those metalcore-ish type bands that makes eighties glam sound much better than it actually does. Go ahead, try to listen to one track from beginning to end. We'll wait. Okay, doesn't it remind you of some movie soundtrack from 1982 with a sprinkle of Euro metal guitar thrown in? We suggest a Norma Jean album instead.

Columbus Blue Jackets

3-6-0 (6)

Jesus fucking Christ.

Watching the Columbus Blue Jackets is like getting drunk and fucking a fat chick with a dirty cunt, hating it, then calling the bitch the next day to do it all over again.

The Jackets blew a 2-1 lead, a lead they enjoyed despite some nifty goaltending by French Canadian fuck Jean-Sebastien Giguere. A turnover led to a Jason Chimera holding penalty that wiped out a Columbus power play. Everyone knew what was coming next.

Freddy Norrena was nice enough to slap the puck to Teemu Selanne, who gladly blew one past the Jackets once-promising goalie. Duck 3, Jackets 2. Columbus has lost three in a row and is currently enjoying quality time in the Western Conference basement.

Short Fiction
Kamikaze Ann

The Country Place

Liquor Shits

The Puppy

The Bank Teller

Dear Jorgé
My friend wants me to knock her up

I want to sleep with my stepfather

Dr. Cruz provides advice for beating the winter blahs

Dr. Cruz is back

Drunk in the Booth
Ohio State rocks soft schedule

Jackets fans silenced in Game 3

NFL hates Jets, Jews

Wings take Jackets to school

Billy Guerin tells Philly to suck it

Indians partying like it's 1991

Jackets headed to Dee-troit

The Near Future of Sports

Blue Jackets lose to faggoty Penguins

Blue Jackets salvage point in loss to Calgary

Hemsky, Oilers hand Columbus crushing defeat

Spineless War Room in Toronto screws Blue Jackets yet again

Terry Frei and Adam Foote give each other rim jobs

Jackets take on Avs in Denver

Blue Jackets in Anaheim for New Year's

War Room screws Jackets in Dallas

St. Bernardus or the Columbus Blue Jackets?

Nash, Jackets screwed

Opening week college football picks
The Truth
Child molester Jackson now a hero

Father's Day notes from the Boss

Crew Change is boring

Mexicans show us how dirty they are

Columbus Police protect and serve criminals

Columbus Dispatch horseshit

Clowns suck

Columbus Police take their horsies for a walk

Fun with The Columbus Dispatch

We're millionaires, bitches

St. Patrick's Day observations

Ash Wednesday in Columbus

Signs you're in a bad neighborhood

Pickup lines that work like magic

Whitney Houston is a crack whore

Top 10 Elementary School Field Trips

Fun Facts for the retarded to share at cocktail parties

Things to do in 2009

The worst of 2008

Clintonville condo project burns

A good argument for arson

How to drive drunk

Jewelers make us hate Christmas

Buy more life insurance

Oklahoma is our new president

People in Philly throw things

Baked Oposum Recipe

Wheel of Fortune sucks

Movies that cause brain cancer: Cellular

How to pick up a prostitute

Good riddance to East on Arcadia

Is Columbus growing up?


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Wheel of Fortune: Entertainment for retards

As soon as that smug Canadian fuck Alex Trebek signs off, it happens. Americans from all walks of life scramble to change the channel, even if they happen to be getting a blow job. Why? Because the acidic burn of braindead television lurks on the other side of the commercial break.

Wheel of Fortune has been polluting television screens for over 25 years, slowly killing brain cells while entertaining the incarcerated and the eldery. Only the most simple of the simple object when the bartender changes the channel after Jeopardy!, and only the foolishly brave dare take up for the fat cunt or queer who wants to watch Pat Sajak and still-hot Vanna White host three dumbfucks as the struggle to solve puzzles like these:

Although Jeopardy! needs to come to grips with the fact that none of us give a shit about the contestants on a personal level, at least one smart contestant guarantees a well-paced half-hour of geeky excitement. Wheel of Fortune, on the other hand, offers seven or eight puzzles so fucking lame that most Mexicans can solve two or three minutes before the contestans do.

Old people may remember when contestants used money earned to buy crappy furniture and other cheap garbage. You didn't miss anything; that shit was lame, too.

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