Sandpaper Handjob: Wheel of Fortune sucks

Sandpaper Handjob: Because Jebus loves you

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She has tattoos and access to clothes that don't fit Courtney Love anymore. She can sing a little bit. She has a shitty band and the cover of this month's Revolver. Life is good for Maria Brink. We say good for her. She's kinda cute. The problem is that In This Moment is one of those metalcore-ish type bands that makes eighties glam sound much better than it actually does. Go ahead, try to listen to one track from beginning to end. We'll wait. Okay, doesn't it remind you of some movie soundtrack from 1982 with a sprinkle of Euro metal guitar thrown in? We suggest a Norma Jean album instead.

She has tattoos and access to clothes that don't fit Courtney Love anymore. She can sing a little bit. She has a shitty band and the cover of this month's Revolver. Life is good for Maria Brink. We say good for her. She's kinda cute.

The problem is that In This Moment is one of those metalcore-ish type bands that makes eighties glam sound much better than it actually does. Go ahead, try to listen to one track from beginning to end. We'll wait. Okay, doesn't it remind you of some movie soundtrack from 1982 with a sprinkle of Euro metal guitar thrown in? We suggest a Norma Jean album instead.


3-6-0 (6) Jesus fucking Christ. Watching the Columbus Blue Jackets is like getting drunk and fucking a fat chick with a dirty cunt, hating it, then calling the bitch the next day to do it all over again. The Jackets blew a 2-1 lead, a lead they enjoyed despite some nifty goaltending by French Canadian fuck Jean-Sebastien Giguere. A turnover led to a Jason Chimera holding penalty that wiped out a Columbus power play. Everyone knew what was coming next. Freddy Norrena was nice enough to slap the puck to Teemu Selanne, who gladly blew one past the Jackets once-promising goalie. Duck 3, Jackets 2. Columbus has lost three in a row and is currently enjoying quality time in the Western Conference basement.

3-6-0 (6)

Jesus fucking Christ.

Watching the Columbus Blue Jackets is like getting drunk and fucking a fat chick with a dirty cunt, hating it, then calling the bitch the next day to do it all over again.

The Jackets blew a 2-1 lead, a lead they enjoyed despite some nifty goaltending by French Canadian fuck Jean-Sebastien Giguere. A turnover led to a Jason Chimera holding penalty that wiped out a Columbus power play. Everyone knew what was coming next.

Freddy Norrena was nice enough to slap the puck to Teemu Selanne, who gladly blew one past the Jackets once-promising goalie. Duck 3, Jackets 2. Columbus has lost three in a row and is currently enjoying quality time in the Western Conference basement.

Wheel of Fortune: Entertainment for retards

As soon as that smug Canadian fuck Alex Trebek signs off, it happens. Americans from all walks of life scramble to change the channel, even if they happen to be getting a blow job. Why? Because the acidic burn of braindead television lurks on the other side of the commercial break.

Wheel of Fortune has been polluting television screens for over 25 years, slowly killing brain cells while entertaining the incarcerated and the eldery. Only the most simple of the simple object when the bartender changes the channel after Jeopardy!, and only the foolishly brave dare take up for the fat cunt or queer who wants to watch Pat Sajak and still-hot Vanna White host three dumbfucks as the struggle to solve puzzles like these:

Although Jeopardy! needs to come to grips with the fact that none of us give a shit about the contestants on a personal level, at least one smart contestant guarantees a well-paced half-hour of geeky excitement. Wheel of Fortune, on the other hand, offers seven or eight puzzles so fucking lame that most Mexicans can solve two or three minutes before the contestans do.

Old people may remember when contestants used money earned to buy crappy furniture and other cheap garbage. You didn't miss anything; that shit was lame, too.

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Wheel of Fortune: Entertainment for retards

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