Sandpaper Handjob: Jewelers make us hate Christmas


Sandpaper Handjob: Because Jebus loves you

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Black dudes double team Asian

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Most poor people should be put down like the filthy dogs they are. They're dirty and rude and dishonest, and their unhealthy diets jack up health care costs for the rest of us. Poor people, especially the filthy East Side scum who dirty up North Campus on a daily basis, think it's just fine to use construction barrels as trash cans. KFC, Rally's, White Castle, and Taco Bell: Deyz be da fo' food groups.

Most poor people should be put down like the filthy dogs they are. They're dirty and rude and dishonest, and their unhealthy diets jack up health care costs for the rest of us. Poor people, especially the filthy East Side scum who dirty up North Campus on a daily basis, think it's just fine to use construction barrels as trash cans. KFC, Rally's, White Castle, and Taco Bell: Deyz be da fo' food groups.


8-7-3 (19) Now that Pascal LeClaire has returned from his froggy ankle injury, the Jackets have a surplus of goalies. We think the solid play of rookie Steve Mason will push Freddy Norrena out of Columbus after this season, but in the meantime Norrena's one-way contract is a real pain in the ass. We don't see Norrena clearing the waiver wire, but Columbus might be forced to roll the dice. Who the hell keeps three goalies on the active roster? Only two points separate the ninth-place Jackets and the third-place Wild in the Western Conference. For long-suffering fans of the CBJ, this season could prove to be more fun than using chloroform to rape an ex-girlfriend.

8-7-3 (19)

Now that Pascal LeClaire has returned from his froggy ankle injury, the Jackets have a surplus of goalies. We think the solid play of rookie Steve Mason will push Freddy Norrena out of Columbus after this season, but in the meantime Norrena's one-way contract is a real pain in the ass. We don't see Norrena clearing the waiver wire, but Columbus might be forced to roll the dice. Who the hell keeps three goalies on the active roster?

Only two points separate the ninth-place Jackets and the third-place Wild in the Western Conference. For long-suffering fans of the CBJ, this season could prove to be more fun than using chloroform to rape an ex-girlfriend.

Jewelers make us hate Christmas

The holiday season is our least favorite time of the year. Crowded places full of stupid people talking too loud on their phones, long lines, and stupid commercials are just a few of the reasons the birth of your Jebus make us want to set things on fire.

While it brings us joy to tell little kids there's no Santa Claus, the obnoxious diamond people never fail to put us back in our place. Despite telling you not to buy diamonds for Christmas, you people bought enough of them in the last year to pay for another seoan's worth of annoying commercials.

Cat Power, the chick art school kids dream about before they realize they are homo, took a suitcase full of money in 2006. This was the result:

After you wipe the vomit from your keyboard, stop and take the time to understand why diamonds are a horrible gift idea.

Most men know that buying a broad clothes is a bad idea. The dress or jeans or whatever will be too big or too small, and that means trouble. Most chicks don't want porn, and purchasing a sybian is a gateway tool to dykehood. So, most dudes end up at the Kay store, where some blonde showing just enough neck does her thing until they leave the store with a little bag and a thousand dollar hole in the wallet.

A few days pass, with the man being virtualy ignored because women love Christmas and all the chances to spend money on worthless garbage. The man gets antsy and can't wait until Christmas, thus busting out the little box with the diamond that probably isn't as big as the one her sister got last year. She loves it, but just when it's time for the Christmas Eve mattress dancing, she wants to go to Applebee's. Because she's starving. She'll forget about that diamond about five minutes after she catches you checking out your server, who may be in college but is most likely a high school senior. (It's okay, we also like high school seniors.

Then it's Christmas. That means spending time with the stupid in-laws, who will do whatever they can to make the diamond seem small or flawed or otherwise inferior to the ring Steven bought Karen last year. Then it's just a matter of time before the wife or girlfriend starts nailing Bob from the legal department during the lunch hour.

Don't fall into the trap. If you don't have a problem with dirty African diamond miners getting their hands chopped off, remember that the filthy jewelery companies want to ruin you with their annoying commercials and overpriced junk. And there's no such thing as Santa Claus or Jebus, the two jerks responsible for this whole mess.

The Mummies

They were the kings of budget rock, don't ya know?

Sandpaper Handjob: Because Jebus loves you

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Jewelers make us hate Christmas

The Mummies